“Don’t worry, I’m not a pervert or anything…” – Internet dating: Week 1
“Don’t worry, I am not a pervert or anything. I am just looking for a nice woman. I am not searching a woman for cyber sex or other things.”
This is a message I received from a 34-year-old Turkish accountant. I rest my case. Week one of this experiment has been eventful. Another rule that I forgot to mention before is that I’m not permitted to contact anyone, I have to wait for them to contact me. I’ve received 27 messages from different men, some of which were funny or endearing but the majority of which were sinister and made me genuinely fear for my life. There is also a function on the site which enables you to ‘wink’ at someone. Three men ‘winked’ at me, I’m not sure why but I suppose it’s better than them ‘wanking’ at me. Maybe they did that as well though, who knows.
ASK A STUPID QUESTION
Setting up a profile on OkCupid is a simple process. First you give details of all the bog standard stuff like your favourite music or films and what you’re doing with your life. Then you have to answer stupid questions which seem to do nothing more than make you sound like a total dick:
“Describe yourself in three words” - Funny, sweet and honest.
“Six things I couldn’t live without” – Music, tea, my friends and family, laughter, pets/animals and nature.
“The most private thing I’m willing to admit here” – I have a phobia of sellotape.
“You should message me if” – You think you can make me laugh.
This was enough to get the ball rolling. Here’s a summary of the week’s highlights and lowlights but please note that I have copied all the messages directly from the site as I feel it’s important to expose spelling and/or grammatical errors as I would never consider dating anybody that doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re:
THE GOOD…
Chat-up of the week:
Subject: Tea…
“is an amazing thing! What kind of journalism do you want to do? x”
- This message was short and to the point. This man is funny and he likes tea and cats. He’s into snowboarding but I’m more impressed by the fact that he is a professional photographer. Photography is something I have always been terrible at and a skill that I greatly admire. This guy is my favourite.
Biggest compliment giver of the week:
Subject: (no subject)
“hey how are you? Nice profile you got! You look really pretty in your pictures and you have a very cute smile too. who is your fav stand up comic?”
- Like a few other messages I got, this guy has taken note of my profile and asked me an interesting question. It would be rude not to reply really. He’s no oil painting but then neither am I and since I won’t be meeting up with any of these men then no harm can be caused (I hope).
…THE BAD…
Most intense message of the week:
Subject: hi
“hello lspaven, I think your profile is lovely. You seem like a really warm person and your words are very appealing. I thought I’d send you this mail to say hello and give expression to my thoughts. How has 2010 been for you so far? take care and hope to hear from you soon. Cheers. *********”
- This isn’t necessarily a bad message at first glance. It’s polite and well worded but seems a bit intense and something about it didn’t feel right. I checked the guy’s picture, he’s tall, black, well-dressed and clearly works out. So far, so normal…until I found this:
“I’m a regular simple guy from next door – I work hard and take life easy. And just like everyone else, I have certain views. I’m of the view that a perfect relationship is a product of mutual love, understanding, relative tranquility and sacrifice. This factors form the substructure upon which every successful relationship is built. Consequently, I’m seeking a very kind-hearted, peaceful and fun woman who enjoys being more playful than a child. I am a very playful person but also a great lover of tranquility. I feel that a relationship should be constantly charged with an air of sensuality and a deep sense of companionship that’s warm enough to have a mellowing effect, warm enough to create and then remind one of the nostalgic moments innocently created together. I seek a lover but most importantly a caring friend, someone that listens beyond just the words and is capable of compromise. I’m not the type to seek what I’m not capable of giving so I am very fair. I’m the kind of man who pampers his woman like a baby and I seek a woman that treats her man the same way too. I’m looking to find a relationship that is characterized by relative stability and maturity.”
Intense! Intense! Intense!
Most lax attitude to spelling and grammar of the week:
Subject: (no subject)
“hi I am ***** how er you? I like your’re profile:)”
- As discussed above. Your’re is a new one on me.
Most pathetic chat-up attempt of the week:
Subject: hi
“hows you? having a good weekend? x”
- Anyone, ANYONE who ever sends me a message like this should really not expect a reply. ‘How are you-ers’ should not be allowed to breathe the air on this planet. Say something interesting, ask me a proper question, I don’t care, just make some kind of fucking effort. This man doesn’t have any pictures on his profile but he’s not too shy to explain that he has been screwed over by many women and is currently recovering from a broken heart. Fair enough, a broken heart is one of the most difficult things to deal with in life but banging on about it incessantly is not attractive. I feel like I should tell him this but I fear that entering into a conversation with this man will instantly make me want to hack all my toes off with a blunt and rusty penknife.
Pretentious tossrag of the week:
Subject: Important Question!
Hey…
Beach or park?
- What does that even mean? How is it a conversation starter? This guy is holding a guitar in his profile picture. At first I was intrigued but on closer inspection I realised his appearance was more Thom Yorke than Tom Meighan. What’s even worse is this:
“I’m moving back to London soon and want to try something a bit different this summer. Maybe meet people I would not normally bump into at my local park, pub, gig, club, cafe or book-store. I’m an easy going and laid back when it comes to friends and relationships. I just want to have fun experiences. I am profoundly silly, deeply shallow and confidently confused.”
All this proves is that he’s trying to get laid in the most desperate manner possible. I suspect he wears Birkenstocks. If my friend Melanie Webster is reading this then I’m sure she’ll agree with me.
…AND THE UGLY
Most likely to be a sex offender of the week:
Subject: question
“Hi i hope you dont mind me asking i have an unusual question…my intention isnt to offend im just curious what you’d do. If you was really attracted to a guy really liked him but he told you he was submisive…and asked you to sit on his face and breakwind would you do it?”
- I received this from a 39-year-old from London. Clearly he can charm the paint off walls. Or send every woman within a 300 mile radius of him mentally ill with the worry that he is allowed the freedom to roam the streets at night, past their house with a pair of binoculars and a year’s supply of duct tape. Is it supposed to be funny? What was going through his mind when he thought it would be a good idea to send this? Sick doesn’t even come close to describing it.
Second most likely to be a sex offender of the week:
Subject: kissy kissy
WOW!!! Youll do for me? Fancy a snog? XXX
- It’s not even the cringworthy nature of this message that is most disturbing. It’s the cold, icy stare of this man’s profile picture. It’s like he’s holding his next door neighbour captive in a cellar for sadomasochistic purposes. He has a hairline that is even more receding than Simon Gregson’s (Steve MacDonald) and he looks as if he has just bludgeoned an 8-year-old boy’s pet dog to death with a spade in front his very eyes. He is 44 which is 18 years my senior. That would be like me going out with an 8-year-old, presumably the one whos dog he killed with a spade. Also, who uses the word ‘snog’ in this day and age? Surely that went out during the 80s with Thatcherism and poll tax.
CONCLUSION
I’ve survived week one without getting raped. I am genuinely pleased to be alive. So far, this has been an interesting and surprising experience, though it makes me feel really uneasy and vulnerable to know that some massive sicko could be eyeing up my pictures and reading through my likes and dislikes. Still it’s all in the name of science I suppose. From here, my plan is to reply to all the messages that came from seemingly ‘normal’ people and see how quickly everything spirals out of control. I need to peer inside the minds of the people who use these sites. Do I still think it’s impossible to find love online? Affirmative.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 4 Comments
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Authors
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L
- To cut a long story short I lost my mind – Internet dating: Weeks 5 and 6
- Piss off – Internet dating: Week 4
- Sometimes it’s not okay to like David Bowie – Internet dating: Week 3
- Transvestites need love too – Internet dating: Week 2
- “Don’t worry, I’m not a pervert or anything…” – Internet dating: Week 1
- Social Experiment #1: Internet Dating
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Haha this is great and so funny!
What is it about the internet that make people feel like they need to be blunt, painfully honest and up front? Don’t they know we’re British?!
Good Luck!
thats priceless stuff, theyre are lot of weirdos out therunfortunaetly
What are you doing with your life? anyone that has this much spare time to post quotes about gramma has got issues, do the world a favour and stop filling the net with feces
Dear joblow,
I would like to start by expressing my most sincere gratitude for your feedback on the blog post. Your feedback is VERY valuable to me and I will forever hold it close to my heart. At this very moment in time, I am considering printing your comment off and folding it up to keep in a locket which will rest on my bosom, making it as close to my heart in the literal sense, as possible.
To think of all the years I have wasted using correct spelling and grammar to ease the day to day necessity of communication! Quite frankly I find it absolutely sickening. Absolutely sickening indeed.
And now that you have brought the matter to my attention, I have realised many other people might be disgusted by my perverse desire to use the English language in its correct form. There is the notable exception of my old English teacher, Mr Barnes, of course, for it was poor old ‘Barnsie’ who spent many a fine hour ensuring I was soundly educated and developed a solid lexicon of English for essential use in later life. For this I can only apologise.
Anyway, I digress. I am so enthralled that you took time out of your busy schedule of not getting laid to give me such a vital and well-deserved piece of your mind. On reflection, however, I have noted a few spelling and grammar errors in the body of your text.
Here is a list:
1. The word ‘anyone’ should contain an upper case ‘a’ as you are using the word to begin a sentence. For reference, an upper case ‘a’ looks like this: A.
2. You have spelt the word ‘grammar’ incorrectly.
3. After the word ‘issues’, you made an ill-judged decision to use a comma instead of a full stop. That was silly wasn’t it?
4. Unsurprisingly, you have failed to spell the most cerebral of words in your comment correctly. It is not ‘feces’, it is ‘faeces’. I appreciate you must be American and Americans spell things in a very unsystematic way, but when you have the audacity to comment on my blog post I do tend to feel that you should do so using only the Queen’s English. Please note, if you are to write the word faeces on my blog again, there is no need to use an upper case ‘a’ as the letter is in the middle of a word – do not get this confused with point one on the list.
5. Zucchini! Americans are mental.
6. Perhaps you might consider using the word internet, rather than just ‘net’. Your comment implies I have a metaphorical net I use to go around catching elevated pieces of shit in the shape of butterflies. As much as I enjoy that mental image, I feel readers may find it misleads them from the true meaning of what you wish to imply.
7. You have failed to end the comment with a full stop, or ‘period’ as you probably call it. In England, the word ‘period’ refers to a woman’s monthly duration of menstruation. You can have that nugget of information on me as your magnum opus of factual knowledge should you ever get invited to a dinner party.
Don’t worry, there’s no need to thank me. In addition, now that we’re firm friends and on the verge of becoming blood brothers, I feel it is only fair to answer your question about what I am doing with my life: I am doing lots of things with my life.
Rest assured my dearest, If I ever find myself ‘across the pond’ so to speak, I’ll be sure to drop by and take a wallow in your gargantuan vat of self pity to see what all the fuss about.
Toodle-oo!
PS. Keep up the crucial blog critique work!